There's a portrait there, that looks just like me

Uni ramblings

I honestly have no idea if i’m going to pass uni or not. Doesn’t help when they take away modules that I am supposed to do, without offering up an alternative :/. I’m hoping once I add my dissertation (a double honours module), that will make up the total amount of honours i need.. Argh! Talking of which, i’m debating whether to do a practical, or written dissertation. I’m kind of leaning towards written now. I just need to pick a great topic. I’m also doing an independant study module, so i need to pick a topic for that, too. Maybe in flash? Might even do it on something acoustic related. But we’ll see!

I’ve neglected this for a while..

But, I’m back! Haha. Reading back over the past few months has been odd. I’m definitely not in ‘that’ place anymore. Being back in Oxford has reawakened me, I feel like ME again. There’s a certain pull that this place has that just reaffirms that, whatever happens in my adult life, it’s all going to start from here. 

So. New things.. Uni is going sort of okay. Studio design is going fine, as is Digital Audio. The one module causing me grief (surprisingly) is Digital Animation. I’m struggling to get motivated in it because well.. it’s actually tedious and boring :/. I was hoping we would be making awesome character models and animating them, but instead we’re just faffing around making boxes spin. Sure, you have to start from the beginning and all but come on, lol. It’s frustrating because it is fairly simple but i’m still fairly sure i’m going to fail it, just because i don’t have the effort to really try that hard. All my effort is going into Studio Design, because i CANNOT fail it. If i did, it would mean another module clash next year, and i would have to do a fifth year. Fuck that.

I also have a new boyfriend, which I was not expecting at all. Especially so soon. His name is Andrew, and lives in Witney, so he’s very local. Which.. is taking some getting used to. It’s as if I don’t have to put as much effort as i’m used to into the relationship, because we see each other often. So at times i probably seem overbearing, haha. I’m getting more used to it though. It’s been about a month and a half now :). He’s so sweet. This feels unlike any other relationship I’ve ever been in. I’m more comfortable around him, less panicky and stressed. It’s relaxed, and nice. I’ve fallen for him big time. He met my family (ALL OF THEM) yesterday, and they all loved him too. He got on really well with my mother, making fun of her and everything. So proud!

The thing I need to work on right now is money management. I hope to accomplish this by abolishing £10 a week on busses by using my bike. Just need to grab Alex’s bike pump and possibly borrow Lydias lock, then I’m set. Will also keep me fit, since i’ve not run in ages now. Lydia has had problem after problem, so she hasn’t been able to run. I should probably run by myself, but meh. I’m not that confident yet!

8 things about me

1. I have an almost overwhelming fear of failure. Which.. ironically, stops me from being able to start anything, or try things. So, i inevitably fail anyway. lol.

2. I’m a daydreamer. I’m constantly lost in a world of total fantasy.

3. I want SO MUCH to be a professional video editor. It’s my one life goal.

4. I go days where i think i’m hideously ugly to days where i think, wow, thats me? (vain..)

5. I’m an eternal optimist. Everything will work out in the end, and everything that happens has a greater purpose. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, all that shit.

6. Sometimes i think i’m too nice for my own good. I’d love to just tear someones head off (figuratively..)

7. I hate being on my own for extended periods of time. I like human interaction

8. I am an AWESOME pretty good cook.

Finally a positive post

Well. Drama is pretty much over, and I can honestly say that i AM pretty happy. Not sure what happened, i think I’ve just adopted a new outlook on everything. I’m not correct when I say I have nothing going on in my life because i really do. I’ve got anything i could possibly want to happen really, i just have to achieve it. Like.. over the Easter break i’m planning on shooting some music videos for local bands to build up my portfolio and skill. Me and Chelle are also taking on a HUGE project which involves changing the GCSE english curriculum, which is already on the go. And well.. I just have my life, which is awesome. It just took me a while to remember that Toms life does not equate my life, and i don’t need to replicate or want it in any way shape or form.

I’m still going to go to my counselling session at the end of the month though, just to iron through all of these things good and proper. I’m going to be fine, though :)

Also I still like that guy. Just have no idea how to make him notice me like that.. I’m really out of touch with how to deal with crushes :S I feel like I am 15 again!

Also also, i’m back in Oxford tomorrow, yay! I’m living with Dan, Nik, Alex and Nish for a week in their house, as i really don’t want to be stuck in my freezer house on my own for a week. I’m excited :) It’s always fun there.

Urgh. I feel rubbish :/

So Toms gone to Boston today, to be with Kevin for i think.. 10 days. And.. you know, deep down, i am happy for them both and everything. I’m just insanely jealous that Tom has something going on in his life and.. well, i don’t :/ The monotony of being at home is actually killing me. I can’t even sleep anymore, i keep thinking of Tom and Kev together, and it’s not even in a jealous i want Tom back kind of way, it’s just because he’s happy, he’s out living life and i am not. I don’t even know how to anymore.. It’s really sad. I feel so pathetic that i’m not able to just get on with my life. Maybe things will be different when i’m back in Oxford, where i’m not sat in my room on my own all day, everyday. I just want to cry but i just cant force anything out :/

My friend is trying to set me up with her friend Craig on saturday. I’m in two minds about it. One, it’d be nice to get out and meet someone, but two, I like someone else anyway :/. Argh.

I just want me back :/ And I don’t know how to get him back. I feel close to rock bottom :/

How i am feeling

I’m just going to right down how i am feeling in a sort of.. stream of conciousness type fashion. Just want to unload some stuff.

Me and Tom had a fight last night. Well, sort of a fight. BASICALLY.. whenever i feel bad, i go to Tom. Always have done, and you know, Toms never fixed anything. He cant, only i can fix myself. It’s true with ANYONE. No amount of therapy or talking to friends can really fix you. It’s all down to yourself to take the step to making yourself feel better. Its hard, but its true. And well basically, i had been feeling rubbish lately and spoke to tom and.. i probably said too much, he got worried then aggrivated that i, yet again, went straight to him for answers. I get it when he says “i cant fix you” or “What do you want me to do”. That can come off quite malicious, that last one. But if you think about it.. What do i want him to do? What can i ask him? I have absolutly no answer for that because there is nothing he can do. I know i can talk to him when i have problems. Hell, i can talk to anyone. THATS what i need to realise. I don’t have to burden him with everything. I have the greatest network of friends, and i really need to see that. After the argument i phoned Sunil, something i have never done before. And you know, it felt good. Really good. Just.. talking. He didn’t offer advice per se, but he listened and comforted me. Talked about how when he felt similar. This sort of stuff i cant really expect from Tom all the time (context depending of course) because he’s my ex, we have history. We’ve done the super being open to each other thing, thats what we did in our relationship (or actually, not in my case (whole other issue)) and i guess doing that would be a huge HUGE step back in the process of moving on. Also, we only broke up about two months ago. I cant expect things to spring back into goodgood friendship mode right away. He’ll always be my best friend and im sure i’ll always be his. Just needs a bit of time. We still both have issues with ourselves that need ironing out a whole lot.

Like.. when my head goes into a paranoid overdrive (i tend to overreact to information for some reason, always think of the worst scenario etc) i get this cloud in my head, and it stops me from -really- processing what i’ve just learnt. I find talking, or writing everything down really helps clear and untangle things. Hence why i am writing this post. I went to bed tonight feeling a bit muffled and needed to vent.
Why do i feel muffled? Well. Danny sent me a picture proving he is who he says he is. Which is great, really great. I’ve not lost a friend. It’s just.. shit, how do i tell Tom and Kev? Tom deleted him and blocked him out of his life now for.. well, no reason at all. Well i say no reason, tom HAS his reasons and they are actually damn valid. I wont tell them tonight, or tomorrow. I’ll wait until xmas is over and gone.
Me and Kev have been speaking more these past few days. It’s nice. I dont feel like im going to America to see him as a third wheel now. I’ve written him a letter which im gonna post to Tom so he can take it with him when he goes to America in January.

Enough about drama i think. It’s christmas tomorrow, and despite not being overly cheery, i am looking forward to seeing everyone and having a great day :) After writing this down i do feel a bit purged, which is nice. I need to learn to be more open with my feelings, and talk to people when i need to. And if i cant, write them down. I’m going to try really hard not to let myself get back to that dark place ever again. It is not nice, and i hate being there.

RE: last entry

Spoke to him this afternoon, and to be honest, i’m totally just having a man period over nothing. Nothing has really changed, we talk as we normally do. So, disregard that last rambling i think. For the most part, anyhow.

ANYWAY.

I have a new goal to aim for! I’ve decided after i graduate i want to travel to Iceland and stay out there for a few weeks. Sort of as a graduation present to myself. I think i need to experience going out somewhere alone in a totally foreign environment. It’ll do me wonders. I’ve begun learning basic Icelandic thanks to a great language networking website. If i keep up on all the lessons and work on there, then by february i should have a basic understanding of how Icelandic works. Then, i’m going to keep an eye out for evening clases, or hunt down some icelandic people to be friends with, lol.

Just some ramblings

So, i’ve been feeling a bit rubbish as of late. I just have this feeling that Tom is ignoring me or purposely not talking to me. Whenever we do speak on msn, it’s always one word answers and he takes forever to reply. He never used to be like that :/ I mean, yes, we’ve broken up so obviously the dynamic of the friendship has changed. Maybe it’s just something i need to get used to? I just assumed we’d still be close. We promised each other that we would be best friends, and never loose contact. I’m sure we wont loose contact really. But it’s a niggling fear. What if we do?
Also, i need to consider aswell that he has his own baggage to deal with so i perhaps shouldn’t be taking it so personally. I don’t know, it’s all a bit weird.
He’s grown really close to Kevin, and is flying out to see him in January (The same kevin we’re both staying with in June). I have my suspisions that something is going on there, which honestly is fine, Kevin is a great guy and a good friend to Tom, and has been there for him in ways that i can’t be anymore. But, y’know, it still kind of feels a bit rubbish knowing you’ve been replaced, despite being ‘over’ the relationship. I just miss being his friend, more than anything. It’s not like i want him back or anything. I want things to go back to how they we’re before we got together and i suppose that is just going to take time now.

It’s annoying. It feels like how i felt when i broke up with my previous boyfriend Lewis. Desperatly trying to cling onto something, anything.. I guess i just have to let go, and if he sticks around, then great, if not, then i guess it’s not worth my emotional energy.

Vali album

I started recording for my first full length VALI album today. It’s coming along well. The track i was working on today is tentatively titled ” Jötnar Women” and is a semi ambient piece with tranquility being destroyed by the Jotun people.

The tentative tracklist is..

…and then the awful fight began
Yggdrasil
Jötnar Women
A Wolf age
Doom (of the gods)

I really hope either Accessory Takes or even R.A.I.G pick this up for release. If R.A.I.G did, then it may even see a CD release.

Last day in Oxford

Went to Toms with Jacqui today. Had a good time. It’s getting less weird hanging out. Not that it really -was- anyway. I just have no idea where he is, but i think he’s in a better place, which is really good. I feel like i can relax around him now. Breakups are complicated, haha. I also opened up to Jacqui about my councilling sessions, which i hadn’t done before. So, overall, it’s been a good day :)

I’m going back to Harlow tomorrow, i’m so excited!! My bedroom has been totally redecorated and i cant wait to see it. And im going out for Thai food with friends in the evening, including Lianne who i’ve not seen since college! And Hayley who i havent seen since.. god, 2 years?! I’m excited :)

Oh, i have another resolution. I am going to stop apologising for things. Like, i got into an argument yesterday and i caved and apologised after, even though i felt deep down like i shouldn’t have. I have no idea why i do it, i guess it’s a compulsion to just end situations quickly, but at the result of me compromising what i believe in.

I think we (as in, me and my ladies) are cracking open a few bottles tonight. Should be fun :)